Codependency is basically an excessive reliance on others to feel “ok.” Contrast that with a quiet, confident, deep knowledge within ourselves that, despite periodic or even chronic external chaos, we are and will be fine no matter what. The characteristics of codependency are many. Here are a few common traits:
Start to imagine a life without codependency, in which you learn to:
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Are you constantly giving to others with your own needs never considered? Do you even know what your needs are? Do you find yourself constantly wondering and worrying about someone else? You may be codependent. Reach out to us, and we can help you explore this and find solutions.
Codependency can be described as an imbalanced relationship pattern. While most of us would consider a healthy relationship to be one that is mutually beneficial and generally fair as far as each person getting his/her needs met, a highly codependent relationship features one partner’s needs being met to the exclusion of the other partner’s. Although unhealthy, it “works” because one partner needs the other, and the other partner needs to be needed.
Research suggests that codependency can emerge from biological, psychological, and social factors. Some individuals are naturally more empathic than others, and thus tend to give more of themselves to others, leading to their more easily being taken advantage of. Some people may have had negative life experiences, such as abandonment or neglect by a primary caregiver, or psychological, verbal, or physical abuse, which caused them to gravitate towards more unhealthy, unbalanced relationships later in life. Social and cultural expectations of relationship roles can also play a part in the formation of codependent relationships.
The underlying pathology of codependency lies in the participants’ loss of any sense of his/her own independent identity outside of a relationship. [Keep in mind, codependent relationships can exist in partner-partner, parent-child, sibling-sibling, and even boss-worker and government-citizen relationships.] When one party (the giver) is constantly pouring himself into a relationship and losing himself in the needs of the other (the enabler, or taker), much of the opportunity of true self-realization and self-actualization is lost. A person stuck in codependency has a very difficult time pondering and producing independent thoughts and opinions, or engaging in meaningful, self-led action.
Start with awareness. Break down and objectively analyze every interaction you have with the person you suspect may be your codependent counterpart. Notice the feelings and automatic thoughts and assumptions that come up within you during the various types of interactions you have with that person. Try also to take some small steps towards separation and independence from that person, and, again, notice the feelings and thoughts that come up. You are likely operating under certain assumptions that are simply not true, e.g., “I will not be ok if this person does x.” Maybe the truth is that you will be ok. Own your contribution to the unwanted patterns with that person. Start standing up for yourself and saying “no” when you don’t want to do something. Consider one-on-one counseling or a support group to help you navigate the difficulties that you will encounter as you attempt to transition away from codependency.
